terence is actually quite a nice guy.

whatever you portray on the outside is the what the outside world sees.

it's really disheartening when the real self is a stark contrast to what you try to portray and others just see the outside and condemned you for it.

i got a little richer today selling all the cards that were rotting at home ((:
HAHA!
i just see my church elder on channel 8 news!!! :D He looks quite good actually and he speaks in fluent chinese!!

OK! THAT WAS SUPER RANDOM! :D

i love jean's new house. haha. it's like a straight house. the living room, dining area and kitchen are all linked. it's like just one straight line! haha! :D
but i'll definitely her old swimming pool where we tried to study and sun tan which ended up with both of us sleeping and red.

new songs new songs in mp3! ((:

i feel a little betrayed.
how much will you open yourself to a groups of friends that are supposedly your good friends?
i know there are some stuff many individuals just wanna keep within themselves, but to what extent will you share your life with your friends?

i don't know. cos' there ain't much happening in my life so i guess everyone (those who know me better) will pretty much know my life. HAHA!

argh. it's always you, you and you. no wonder they don't like you.
i guess i don't really know you afterall.

and you, haha, i don't need you shedding crocodile tears.
just be normal.

and you, i assumed that avoiding is the best way for you right?

so many you's, and when i looked back again, i will be wondering who are all these 'you's.
haha. nth much,
just you you you and you.

"nj will always be part of our lives, no matter how we dont want it to be.
Our friends in nj will always be part of our lives,
be it a long-term friendship or in our memories."
from qiling's blog

you will never expect qiling to speak to you in such human language but everything's true.
the brain records down almost everything. some stuff you will remember almost instantaneously and some stuff you just want to put it at the back of your head.

and i really hope all that reminds me of nj are the good stuff although it's really hard.
when i think of nj at this moment, it reminds me of my A01-ians, my tears, my failed resolution, my disappointments and also the many laughters ((:

today is supposedly the last official band activity for the year 2, but the lucky horn section gets to perform for national day with the j1s. i think this will continue until our section finally gets a jnr. but yeah, victory night was relatively fun. poor little jnrs who are supposed to dress up (as it's a formal dinner) and they have to be blind folded and have to crawl under some tables in their formal wear.

thank God i didnt turn up last year.

i thought it was quite crappy for all the pairing up thing but everyone just loves hearing some gossips and teasing others abt their so-called love affairs.

buffet was nice ((:
the crescent moon and nightsky were awesome too! ((:

the camera was lousy so i used my eyes as the camera and snapped down the beautiful nightsky.
it was nice. so very nice. how i wished i could witnessed a meteor star.

talking to jonerpi calms me down. there's this strange bond between us to allow us to share so easily. to assume that somehow we will both understand each other's situation. or to just knowing that we will just listen and give seemingly helpful suggestions.
more muggings and mj! ((:

some random pictures from ystd's arcade-ing :D

she was trying to do the 3sub gang pose! FRIED OYSTER :Dsupposed to be the gun for a shooting game

the dj-ing machine. my fingers were really slow. I CANT BE A DJ!

can u see my really awkward face??

DRUMS MANIA-ING! :D

and a pic of the 3 subber gang feasting during a 50mins lunch break!

nbm invited me to his band. we can even form a band of our own!! :D

everyone's asking me about love, like, crushes, infatuation. do i look like a love guru? i can't even save myself. i am a little tired, a little confused, a little demoralised, a little upset maybe i am very tired. i am sick and tired of trying to act that i am fine, i am happy, i am alright and everything's good and dandy.

and honestly, i am not. not at all. maybe sometimes i am but most of the times, i am not.

the point is that i see myself as useless and incompetent. i cant even solve my own problems on studies, friendships and even relationships. i wish i could help. i really wish i could just cast some spell on the guy/girl so that he/ she will reciprocate your love. but i can't.

the most i could do is to be your listening ear.

i am tired. off to bed. i am glad i am meeting lydia tml ((: i miss her loads :D

thank God for leading me my way, shining your light upon the path i should take.
though it's definitely not the way i wanted, but i know, i really know that your way is best.
thank God, please bring me through

qiling, please cheer up. she's just trying to make herself feel like a big saint for sacrificing so much for us which are all bullshit.
you know, we never liked her.

we are with you :D

ystd, we had a half day off for all the sports achievements, so a very weird combi in class went for a movie - the lake house.
okie, we include: liyana, cheryl, khairi, dora, terence, samuel and me.
IT WAS A SUPER WEIRD COMBI LAH!

lakehouse was supposed to be a damn sappy show, but in the end only liyana cried.
she practically wailed and yelled at the end of the show! haha.

was really drained after that show and went home to sleep from 7pm to 6am this morning!
it was like 11 hours of sleep. but i had loads of dreams in between and i remembered most of my dreams, practically all.

cip was fun like always. i really really love hafyz! :D
but i quite like hannisah too ((: and my cute little indian boy, tinesh kumar ((:
i feel so blessed to busk in their company and to forsake all my worries and troubles.

met up with zeanpokk ((:
it was way way way fun. met her for dinner and arcade at marina bay.
dinner was curry chicken, oyster egg and carrot cake. (MADNESS!!!!)
and we went drums mania-ing! (it's this arcade game with drums!)

IT WAS TOTAL MADNESS!
we spent a total of 15bucks each on the drums mania and 1buck on a harley davinson ride! ((:
so we drum-ed and drum-ed till we were really really broke and there's no freaking atms at marina bay. so we took a bus back to the station and took a train to raffles place. took a train and bus back to arcade and continued drumming for another hour.
it was total madness! cos' when we ran out of money, it was already 10-ish!!!

we were running from mrt stations to mrt stations. bus stops to bus stops so we could find an atm to play more!

anw, we met a little girl who plays the drums mania well :D she's cute too! she was pissed off by this bunch of girls who need gender checks.
and we were totally pissed off by 2 ahlians who slotted in their coins even before we finished our game so we wont be able to play anymore. what an ass man!
and they greet each other by wolf-whistles? WTH!

other than that, it was really fun.
the random outing to chill
the random opportunity to play the drums machine
the random addiction with the machine

jean proclaims that ALL nienie outings will now be at the arcade.
steamboat then arcade! :D

MADNESS!
it was definitely a way to chill :D
i love jean! i love my nienies ((:

this entire week has been tough. seriously tough.
all the best to you ((:

and for you, i keep seeing you with your back always turned against me
do you ever realise how horrible you are?

and again, thank God for showing me your way.
the best thing you could do now is to give me a concussion followed by a selective memory loss.

now, i am looking back at myself and somehow i miss the moodswingy, angsty, miserable and pathetic self.

i really miss that annie.
it's like i laughed so much, joked so much, constantly having fun with my friends, but part of me is tired and is sick of all these. i just can't put on that smile 24/7

i am living a dual life. everyone does right?

every morning, i goes to school with a resolution that i wanna moodswing cos' i really can't stand all the craziness from like 8am to 4pm (what a weird resolution!) but when i see the class, my dearest classmates, i can't help but to laugh along with them, join in with all their crankiness and make a whole big fool of myself.

i am glad and i am not complaining.
i really love my class
maybe i am just getting too old. haha
maybe all i need is just some moderation. too much of something is not good.

things are kinda weird now. honestly, i feel bitter.
some things that others know and i don't know. "and now my heart is sore"
haha. what a childish mindset but yeah.
it's really awkward for me. serious. i don't even get the slightest hint if there's smth going on.
sometimes i think i'm just thinking too much or just being self-deluded.

maybe it's just immaturity on my part.

Wild Swans in Coole

THE trees are in their autumn beauty,

The woodland paths are dry,

Under the October twilight the water

Mirrors a still sky;

Upon the brimming water among the stones

Are nine-and-fifty Swans.

The nineteenth autumn has come upon me

Since I first made my count;

I saw, before I had well finished,

All suddenly mount

And scatter wheeling in great broken rings

Upon their clamorous wings.

I have looked upon those brilliant creatures,

And now my heart is sore.

All's changed since I, hearing at twilight,

The first time on this shore,

The bell-beat of their wings above my head,

Trod with a lighter tread.

Unwearied still, lover by lover,

They paddle in the cold

Companionable streams or climb the air;

Their hearts have not grown old;

Passion or conquest, wander where they will,

Attend upon them still.

But now they drift on the still water,

Mysterious, beautiful;

Among what rushes will they build,

By what lake's edge or pool

Delight men's eyes when I awake some day

To find they have flown away?

W.B Yeats

thank God for everything. good and bad

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
where'd you go - fort minor

gonna be a lyrics post.
the world is forever shifting. even the taste of music shifts too.
who cares about backstreetboys, nsync, westlife, boyzone, a1 or micheal learns to rock?
maybe some really sentimental teenage girls.
the new 'in' genres like punk rock, indie rock, emo rock, metal, gothic or maybe angsty kelly clarkson's songs.

was talking to my new band member
me: "what song do you listen to?"
nbm: "indie rock"
me: "what's indie rock? songs for indians?"

wth. haha
so many different genres. so many different preferences

I’m in a car underwater with time to kill,
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this,
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me,
What hurts more is I would still die for you.
car underwater- armor for sleep

haha. simple plan is a passe.
there goes my "perfect"

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

haha. the guardian force clique song and my kfc song.

i am tired. really tired.
i crosses my fingers everytime i board the bus and when it passes that busstop.
i've this feeling i will never never notice the sight again
or even smell it again.
yes, i am psycho.
but there was this uncle on the bus today who was standing me, and he didn't smell good.

I know that you're afraid,
You're frightened of the pain
But you can let down your guard
Cause when we run, we hide
We deny what's inside
what good is a heart- code red

haha. i am like huxley now.
i am bringing everything to the other extreme.
i am doing things that i would never do.
i am putting myself in a very awkward position.
however, i just want a new life. a new reason
but it's not going to turn out the way it should be.
cos' it ain't right.

men are fickle.
this is life. life is hard.

don't try to guess what's going on in my life,
cos' if i wanted you to know, i would tell you.
come ask me personally if you really care.

gone going everything.
gone

goodnight friends.

happy birthday my Sag-c Siew :D

my class is madness ((:
the 3 subbers are madness!
all the songs, raps, handsigns and cranky dance moves.

haha. my happy pies.
it's alright that we don't have a strong friendship outside school but all these are sufficient. sufficient to bring me through the last few months in nj.

LAST FEW MONTHS IN NJ! WOOOOHOOOOO! ((:

went raffles place shopping with chewy. brought her to my fave mat place ((:
i totally love that place :D

I LOVE MY BROTHER TO MARS AND BACKKKKKK! ((: hearts :D
he sponsored my new bag :D whahahaha! YIPPEE YEAH! in exchange for my old bag and the permission to use my nike bag.
ahahaha! what a good deal!
he's so cute :D he just came into my room to look at my bag
and he was like "why you never help me buy stuff also. my dinner and dance needs hip hop stuff lor!"
my bro in hip hop attire $^%&$%&$%*%*$%#^# -faints-
haha. so cute. why is our prom's theme: midsummer night's dream ??????????
i was telling khairi that maybe we could change it to some "basic instincts" or other suggestive names. wth.

the point is: my brother is so nice :D

shopping is fast when you are purposeful and concentrated and not fickled.
a topman shirt and a roxy wallet. hope you guys will like it :D
nice class ((:

i've gotten an O for lit. fab. i think i shouldn't have taken lit.
it just sucks when your marks are just dwindling within the E and O range.
it sucks when you don't even feel the heartache when you didnt do well.
it sucks when you know if you don't do well, every dreams and hopes are gone.

teo s u i h o makes very random comments.
today she commented that the world is fair. some people just have a flaire for writing but maybe those who doesn't have a flaire are bestowed with better looks.
no wonder she looked like this -_-"
so i look good lah since i am the lowest (one of the lowest) in class.

i woke up on the bus just now and saw this person with a very familiar backview and a girl was leaning on him.
i got a shock of my life.
thank God it was just a random person.

just don't get your hopes too high.

i need a major distraction.

when you smile, i see only me in your eyes.

tomorrow's tuesday. almost half a week's gone ((:

Hey hey I saved the world today
Everybody's happy now
The bad things gone away
And everybody happy now
The good thing's here to stay
Please let it stay

There's a millions mouths to feed
But I've got everything I need
I'm breathing
And there hurting thing inside
But I've got everything to hide
I'm grieving

went back to fe after 2 sundays.
the familiarity sorta calms me and prepares my heart for worship.
the familiar seats, the familiar faces, the familiar pulpit, everything.
though it feels weird without lyd and sarah beside me.
haha. so much have changed over the 2 1/2 years in church. everything just rushes by.

during service, i let my mind wandered for a split second and i thought of you.
you, me, the kids and the rabbits.
you, me, the rest and the ring.
i have never get as explicit as this.

kss today was enriching. we learnt about young christian adults' apparels.
so what is deemed as right attire for a young chrisitan adult?
bottomline: decency. beauty (or should i say, over exposure) vs honouring the temple of God.

i've always been aware that guys are made to be visually stimulated and girls are stimulated by touch.
it's, however, shocking to hear that guys are able to be visually attracted to a girl but not love a girl with his heart. guys' heart and mind do not work together. according to aunty ley har, guys can love a girl with all his heart yet commit adultery, though the adultery is without love.
bottomline: guys are lusty. or according to the biological make up, guys are made to be lustful.

as for girls, we are stimulated by touch. and we are such poor fellows. our hearts and mind work together. once we know a guy that we are attracted to, our hearts get entangled too.
girls are made to be over-emotional. it sucks. it really does.

girls are at a disadvantaged when emotions are attached.

went for a run today. wasn't that good but wasn't that bad.
it's like running's a form of escape but everything just goes back to the starting point.
it's so strange that the starting point is always the ending point, for me at least.
LITERALLY.

"and when i see you, i really see you upside down."

while i was dng cool-downs at the exercise corner with a bunch of kids, their parents and an uncle with 3 german shephards.
haha. the uncle offered the kids to walk the dog. it was quite an interesting sight throughtout.
the kids pulling. the mum instructing. the dad shouting from his seat. the uncle asking the dogs to stop barking. and an auntie with another dog came.
what a neighbourhood scene.
but what's my point? i've no idea. i was just very amused, but inside me, there was this very tingy feeling. it's there. the feeling was a sort of bittersweet.
bittersweet.

i hate my phone.


i am having PS. i love you hangover.

[edited]
i've added in the flickr. so those who wanna download their pictures can get it from there :D
cheers.

is it me or is it you?

why do i feel that i am reading too much out of nothing?

haha. what a jackass.

"memories are just memories.
memories, by themselves are useless.
they are just memories"

memories remind me of ronin's memories and SC and qiling :D

if you turned gay, i will be a man.
haha. so random

claud and huishi are two cute girls! i hope we all do well for prelims :D

i can't think right now.
argh. this world ain't fair.

today was funnnnnnnnn! :D
my little jnrs are great entertainers and stupid wilson is funny too!
(my section is lame, as usual)

rather tired now and there's loads to update.
so just some pictures that are really hilarious :D
enjoy. shall update more AGAIN!
need to sleep to prepare for tomorrow's school! ((:

i just can't be normal and sweet looking when taking pictures.

that's my hands and legs at the back. the many people in booby kingdom.

the booby king and booby prince of booby kingdom.

something hilarious to end the day :D we all love superbreadman, especially me.

so here you go,

PRESENTING MS SUPERBREADWOMAN!!

haha! I THINK I'M SO CUTE!

i can join ginny's hum chi peng club! (but i am already 18 and still a hum chi peng!) i need to lose some facial fats. dang.

haha. a worms makes dang dang, a rabbit is poipoi, a mouse is arghargh, a crocodile is kiapkiap, a fish is bropbrop and a bird is eeeyakkkeeeeyakk.

WHAHAHA! in a state of euphoria!

on a sadder note, today's officially my last last performance ever, before the crescent alumni band performance on sept 2.

i started my band life at vch and ended it at vch too ((: dec 3 and july21 ((:

at least my band life ended on a good note. God is kind :D

I WAS A MALAY FOR HALF AN HOUR! ((:

my dearest dearest happy pies the girls taking picture at random
the lit girls :D
SAG-C (in alphabetical order)
the malays :D the green malay with the red indiani almost did a back flip while trying to show my assests. dang.
my very pretty amy :D
the girl with the mini skirt.

my skirt was so long that i wore it at my waist and folded a thousand layers. funkayyyy jj
my maths/pw member. mr ckj :D
guan you said i look like a tree )):

my very pretty classmates. i think they looked good together ((:

sagc with alvin leong

so much for half an hour ((:

A01 is the most spontaneous class ever :D

i had to leave even before the entire thing started cos' i was supposed to go for practice to rehearse for the chorale fest rehearsal at vch later in the morning.

the new band room is ready. the room is square but bright. it's orange in colour and the aircon is fabulous :D at least it looks better than the gloomy coloured band room next door.

i had fun at chorale fest rehearsal too. (my cam was low batt so i couldn't take anymore pics)

we are supposed to play "please give me wings" while the combined schools choir sings.

had lunch with the trumpet section, nicholas, craig and some jnr girls along singapore river. we were so scared that the pigeons wouldl give us showers of blessings on our food. was pretty hilarious cos' we heard a splatter on the floor just like few feet away craig's food.

bird shit on nuggets. yucks.

went back to school and tried learning how to do a roll on a snare drum. i really want to learn to play percussion instruments with skils. not just whacking

and then comes the 3rd highlight of the day!

we (me, yanru, jullian, nicholas) went to wilson's house to bowl. his condo provides two alleys. yeah. so when we reached, we saw a pool table, so we booked the pool table too. we were practically running from the alleys to the table and back to the alleys again.

i was practising how to start to bowl with the correct footing and landing. but after the entire session of throwing, throwing and more throwing, my fingers were really really sore.

BUT IT WAS FUN ENOUGH! my dearest jnr, nicole had like 3 strikes in a row for the last game. dang. and i only gotten arnd 2 spares and not a single strike!! )):

we then lugged ourselves back to his house to watch million dollar baby. what a disturbing show )): the girl wanted so badly to box and when she realised she's unable to do it anymore, she chooses death.

hai. if i were her, i will choose to live. until, until God asks me to leave.

anw, thanks wilson for providing me with a day of fun ((:

i hate jullian the meanpok.

alrightt, there's only econs lect for me tml. then i will be off to vch for the chorale festival performance ((: NO ECONS TUTORIAL! yippeeyeah!

this is more like a narrating entry more than a reflective one. picture post ((:

i am really really proud of my class. the way they participate all these with much enthusiasm rather than skipping school and enjoy in their own entertainment. haha. and though i wasn't there throughout the entire day, i know they love the kids and treat them as their own (haha! motherly figures) and also enjoyed themselves. (look at jaslyn's blog!!!)

well done A01. you just have to overlook those who doesn't care.

today, khairi shouted something damn random
"annie, are you in love? why are you in such high spirits lately? you used to be so angsty!"

ha. what a joke. joke of the day or smth?
but yeah, it's true that i am less angsty, less moody, less annoying, less pissed off

perhaps, my angsty crescent attitude is slowly fading off, afterall, i've left crescent for so long.
i can't remember all the different details that happened in crescent anymore. i feel that all these happy moments are slipping away from me, day by day, and slowly, i am only left with nj and more nj. it's infilitrating me.

yeah. many told me that i've toned down a lot alot.
that's good, isn't it?

i am just living to be a 2 dimension.
irks.

there's band tml and i won't get to celebrate racial harmony day with my class and we are all wearing ethnic costumes.
dang.

sometimes, i really want to curse and swear
but as the words linger at the corner of my mouth. i just can't speak it.
it's like a tabboo. in fact, it's profanity.
argh.

why does this bloody world make things so hard for me?

i wonder how's cy?

it's like you are are keeping to you, him and him only.
why? i really have no idea what's going on in your life.
what's wrong? what's wrong?
what happened?
why? what's going on?

i believe there must be a reason for everything.
i have affected you, just as much you've affected me?

you know, i really hate it.
i hate everything.

thanks dave for bringing my mood down.

"Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"

it's such a sad song. "sad" can't really capture the essence of it.
it's emotive. deeply.

anw, 3 cheers for me.
i got 1/25 for my econs essay. haha.
fab-buuu-louuuuss

i rem the many tuesdays that i moodswing. the period when i really hated all tuesdays.
i still dislike tuesdays )):

"This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
All the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone,
I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 and on your machine,
I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know it's too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay; given you a reason to stay; given you a reason to stay"
death cab for cutie

i got rejected by a volunteer organisation. they do not accept individual volunteers.
when i asked the class to join me at jgs. none of them want.
then now, everyone wants to go jgs to volunteer. (ok, not all.)
but thank God for the heart to serve.

"Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit."
Imogen Heap Hide and Seek

cecilia adhern writes nice book
i just finished her 2nd book. rosie dunne. after PS. i love you.
the entire book was just emails, letters, notes but it never fails to capture the essence of the many conflicts, pleasures, happiness, sadness and anger.

i love visiting the library now when there's no more band ((:

i read this quote:

"this is the great private problem of man; death as the loss of self.

But what is the self?

It is the sum of everything we remember. Thus what terrifies us about death is

not the loss of future but the loss of the past.

Forgetting is a form of death ever present within."

Milan Kundera

when i know that everyone around me are fine.
i am pleased enough ((:

tonight's a night of surprises.
good or bad. it's alright for me :D
everything's good in my eyes.

at least i know i am remembered.
it's enough.
even if no one wants to see me again, it's alright.
just keep a little teeny place for me. that i once existed in all of your lives.
it's enough ((:

praise ye the Lord

crescent alumni band :D :D

i've been asked to go back to perform for crescent alumni band for the crescent 50th anniversary alumni dinner at meritius mandarin hotel and ho ching will be the guest of honour :D

alright. in fact, almost everyone in my batch are invited to go back.
but it's so cool. i get to perform with my crescent band again! ((:
elaine yappppppppp!

these 2 days have been fine. but how fine's fine?

met up with the guardian force and caught pirates ((:
they are such funny arses :D
it's really nice catching up with them, being updated of one another's lives, encouraging one another and definitely not forgetting to suan me (what's new!)

i really amazed by my capability to make friends in the past. haha. i really doubt my ability now.

anw, we met at causeway point (sigh!) and had dinner at siam kitchen :D
haha. i think we really grew out of the bickering stage when we were 15-16. serious. it's true that our small little arguements, bickerings still exist, but the feeling's different. everyone just became more open, more sensible, more matured maybe more lovable :D

haha. we all grow.
actually, i feel that everyone's just moving on too fast for me to be updated

pirates were fine.
not too bad.

it's weird that i tell him almost everything. things i don't even tell some of my closest friends.
there's just this comfort of sharing things with him. maybe cos' i only see him once in a blue moon and i see this need to let his know what's going on.
haha. thanks pi ((:

went to kampong kapor methodist church (kkmc) today for worship servive. haha. i cant even see the pastor cos' i was blocked by a bloody pillar. argh. but was nice enough.
but the trip to kampong kapor was scary.
i thought it was quite a bargain since darren volunteered to drive us to his church.
but little did i know that he only got his liscene one week ago and his car's wipers were spoilt today and it was raining slightly heavy. i seriously thought i was going to die while sitting in his car. his car's wipers were bendable and it made this clacking sound when he try to wipe the screen. (and he can't avoid using the wipers cos' it was raining.) and he gleefully announced that he nearly banged into someone just now cos' it was raining so hard and he can't use the wipers. (oh holy cows!)

thank God we reached kkmc safely. slow and steady saves our lives.

after service, we went little india for lunch (yeah kkmc is located in the heart of little india). we had indian vegatarian food for lunch. hahah. i had some cheese naan and lyd had cheese and tomato tosai.
and we went mustafa centre. it was so super messy and humongous. sorta left me in a daze.

((:
when we reminiscent, it's glad that we only think of the happy moments.

i finished reading PS. i love you.
what a bittersweet symphony.
and i started mourning for my pathetic self.
if only i recevie those letters with the list.

i feel like the biggest ass of all time.
and there's simply no justification why i am not one.
my heart and actions are finally in-sync.
but my heart is thumping so hard,
it's killing me. it's killing you.
but i just wanna get things right for once.

i admired my old self. i used to be able to take things as it comes;
take things seemingly lightly.

but here i am, an almost 18 young adult.
i am looking at myself; my past, my present and my future.
i am caught in a trap laid by myself.
there's just too much of me dwelling in the past, so little of me hoping for the future and a very reluctant self in the present.
is this the life i want? is it?

i never get as decisive as today. it's like i've made up my mind to change the situation.
and i did it.
is it the right move? i will never know except the fact that the situation is pretty much irreversible.
but i know, God will provide and His love is sufficient.

i will never stop mourning for my loss, cos' i pretty much can't.
the more you try to forget, the more it remains etched. vividly.

it's bs, when people say time heals, cos' it never does.

if i could not find happiness anymore, i will spend my eternal life with the students in jgs.
they are such happy pies :D
and serious, there ain't a moment you are not smiling.
you admired their courage, their ignorance, their capabilities, their strength and strangely their stubborness and of cos' the way they perceive life.
life and death are simply too complex for human beings.

perhaps, minimal intellect is good.
perhaps that's what spur huxley in writing the brave new world.
happiness is attain when no one has the liberty to think of self.
everyone belongs to everyone

pardon me if i don't make any sense.
when sense makes sense. sense is sensed.

i can't imagine myself saying this,
but i'll miss you.
i'll be your safety net

living mockery

the life i live is just an awfully tiny fraction of eternity.
but if God-willing, i wanna spend this even though insignificant time with you by my side.
i thank God for you, yesterday, today, tomorrow and everyday till i died.
and when i reached Heaven,
i'll thank God for making life such a blessed experience by putting you in my life.

and there she goes again.

i am having school withdrawal symptoms! -yells-

it's just 2 days mc and i am behaving as if i am going to quit school and resort to homeschooling.
argh.
it's just totally unbearable )):

thank God that i managed to catch up for maths at an alarming rate (fine, i copied amy's tutorial)
for glass menagerie, HAHA! i didnt overestimate ms t e o's capability. she's still stuck at scene 4 when i am back
but dang, i missed mr w h i t b y's very interesting tutorial )):

qiling is a poor soul
the whole class has turned against her.
everyone should witnessed how our entire class took pleasure in mocking her (except samuel, kaijie and janvin?). fortunately, she's taking things quite well. she has successfully turned a deaf ear to all my insults after mugging with me for the last week of june hols.

qiling, i wished you all the best for SC.
pls go hide all your pictures, just in case he gets a shock.

i am a very petty person and there's this person who has been pissing me off very subtlely over the years. his/her family too. argh. they are just weird. the bro will just popped very random comments now and then, and it will just leave you speechless.
do you think you are self-righteous?
NO! ask amanda from glass menagerie how to be a chrisitian adult.

alright. that was a very trivial bitching. but i had enough of all these shit. it has been there since when i was sec 3-sec4. pissing my nerves outta me.
there's so many reasons to leave. yet so many reasons to stay.

was talking to darren, an ex-churchmate, a few days ago on msn.
he seems more motivated to serve after he left.
power of God? power of love? (he used to have a crush on this girl in his present church)
anw, i am so glad for him. i have this feeling that he changed alot a lot over the mths that i've not seen him. he actually invited me and lyd to his church this sun and even volunteered to drive us.
he's the one who called me to rush to the driving centre in 10mins to pass him money so he could learn how to drive.

sometimes, i guess maybe i need a new environment for the renewal of my soul.
the doctrines of the church do matters, but i think it matters more whether one can grow in your spiritual life and also in fellowship(which i can't)

am really glad to go back to school actually, busking in the laughters of a01 though it's mostly senseless. at least it's entertaining.
all the way qiling ((:

the 2 days mc is a little too long for me, but i am still enjoying every moment of it :D

before the whole etude euphoria dies down, i shall post some pictures.

this alexender horn cost $10,000! holy cows (and honestly, i think i dented it, the one at NIE)sanity is definitely not part and parcel of my life.

my fave fave senior! your tomato is still waiting for you! :D (haha! i can throw elaineyap aside!)

some random shots that i wanna post a long time ago, but mr blogger just didn't want to cooperate with me. HMPH!

i want my blue sky holiday.

my body is failing me. i used to be as fit as a bull.
in crescent, i never had any mc.
even if i were sick, i am always sick on fri night and i will be fine by mon.

but now, i am sick twice in two months.
like exactly 1 month apart )):
i can forsee an early death or a very painful old age )):

argh. whatever.

went to sch despite my very bad flu, cough, a mild fever and a very tired mind cos' i ponned sch on fri
almost everyone was in their down-est moment. the world cup fever.

zidane was a disappointment. mr calm turned out to be mr rash
"what a silly bald he was" -the commentator criticised.
and buffon, the supposedly best goalkeeper disappointed me too. during the penalty kicks. (but i still think he's good, ricardo too!)

mr d i o was being so cool (too cool for me) today.
he came into the lecture theatre, read a poem abt france and left the lt; his supposedly world cup special lecture.
he was pissed cos' france lost. what an interesting lecture.

went to qiling's place for a sappy-movie marathon. in the we only caught stepford wives and i fell aslp on the couch and then again on qiling's bro's bed while they self-entertained themselves with friendster and msn and ronin riot.

2days mc for me :D
haha. no tuesday for me. i am super happy. i needa catch up on sleep.
see, my body is really failing.
i fall sick when i nv slp for a night )):

please do come for my funeral.

it's amazing how people can just come in and out of our lives.
one moment they are in, almost indispensable in your life; within a split second, they are out, almost untracable in your life.
then they are back again. and left again. they come and go as they like.
but everytime, we just welcomed them with open arms

some people just leave a larger impact in your lives. no matter how long they are gone, their impact is forever there.

i am not talking sense.
my brain ain't working anymore.

"xx won't like YOUR CLIQUE'S STYLE OF GIRLS"

so what's exactly our style? how do you even define style?
how are we different from the rest of the school cohort?
you mean the rest dont wear clothes like we do? don't eat like we do? don't sleep like we do?

haha. i am amused by all these stereotypes and differentiations.

our style is wrong.
the style of wearing hair clips to form a line like a hairband is right.
carrying HANDBAGS to school is right. wearing foundation to school is right.
and our style is wrong. haha. what an ironic life.
it's of no wonder why we can't get rid the really bad name for our school and even have to resort to just embracing the title.

forget abt us being sch's misfits.
but the fact that i am in a01 make my life in nj much more worthwhile.
the switch from s24 to a01 was made worthwhile, though s24 is a really really nice nice class, esp with junying and stanley :D
but a01 opened my eyes to a lot of things.
friendship. sacrifice. support. conflicts. anguish. appreciation. despair. frustration. love. sharing. kindness. loud. happiness. laughters. tears. slacking. arguing. perserverence and loads more.

on a sidenote, a01 gave me a waterbottle and filled it up with water for my concert.
i am so touched k! cos' we were all dying from thirst backstage and everyone was drinking water from that new bottle :D

family dinner :D
haha. i have loads of family dinner this year and i love my family.
the only love that never fails.

was sms-ing grace, my affair de, last night after the concert and we were talking about finding our partners.
mr love and mr kindness.
affair wants a guy who possesses a guy with unconditional love. a guy who loves everything.
i want a guy who is kind. kindness begets kindness. people are kind because they love. so i think my mr kindness is the bigger set of mr love. (i am greedy. i want more)

mr kindness, i want you.
where art thou?

i want my affair to find mr love too cos' she deserves it.
she's the most supportive ever :D
mr specs ((:

my dad bought me a new shoes. first time ((:

you may lose everything, but you will never lose love.
the love on earth is too surreal.
find something concrete. find God.
He will provide that concrete love.
start praying and he will appear
i want.

yesterday marked the end of my official band life,
but like i said, my band life ended when i ended my crescent band life.

it was definitely a fun and memorable performance.
the first time i ever had a sore throat after a performance,
the first time i played guitar at esplanade.
the first time i managed to catch so many faces (of my friends) among the crowd.

everything was nice. (minusing some really trivial stuff throughout the entire course of events.)
haha. fine. i am really petty at times.

i love the memories. i love the anguish and frustration. i love the despair and dilemna
all these just give you a better insight of what you really want in life.

jean asked whether am i continuing my guitar lessons.
then it struck me, i once told my family that i wanted to learn electric so badly
but now, when i looked back, i realised there's so many things i wanna do and i am having a really hard time prioritising my life.

volunteering. social work. graphic designing. designing. electric-ing. skateboarding.

haha. there's just so much to do. (i once proclaimed a huge interest for skateboarding too! and chin chye and bryan are learning how to skate now!)

but i am rather sure what's my first priority in life. i wanna serve the community.
and i'll just use my other interests to aid in my this priority ((:
sounds good.

haha.

i realised i'm leavin traces here and there. givin others and even myself, false hopes and expectations.
i really hope that someone will just keep me firmed and assured that
everything's fine. everything's well and dandy.
i just need that. is that too much to ask for?

i hate ambiguity. i hate uncertainty. i hate living on memories.
'nuff memories of the old days.

ystd was hamstie's (my hamster tt xl gave me for last yr's concert) one yr old in my house! :D
she's still alive and kicking ((:
part of the reason i like hamster cos' i used to play with a few hamsters and a hamster tyrannt.

o well. just a few more months to hang on and off i go

A BIG SHOUT OUT TO ALL WHO CAME YSTD! :D

my trio.

rojak band

my nienies

affair de :D

affair's another 19 friends which includes:

hafiz, yangy, MR SPECS and i don't know the rest.

MY DEAREST A01-ians :D

joel.

jing zhong.

DAVEEE!!!

and all those who came ((:

doubt i'll see mr housefly specs again )): and also my fave snr, emmy

goodbye ms holten 179

one last performance at the chorale fest :D

and i got a name for my guitar. ms punkwhite ((

more than a year, and i am still living on memories.

common tests 2 are finally over.
the entire ct was such a drag (pun intended).
however, thanks to the school, we were back for lessons the next day

yeah, and today is already the 2nd day that we are back in school, but i am giving myself a post cts break, at least till after etude. no homework, tutorials for now.

am really packed this week in preparation for the etude concert and everything's draining me.
seriously, i think my body's failing me. age is catching up way too fast.

have been planning to blog abt post cts activities but i am just way way too tired to do it.
anw, we were already having our self-proclaimed post cts activites ((:

monday
had lunch at pizzahut with the cbg (coffeebean gang) before our last lit paper. apparently, we were behaving as if we had finished our exams.
papers were fine, i guess. lit's always the same. with or without studying.

nienie meet up cum jean's birthday celebration outing at marina square after our papers. (yes, we took 3 papers in 3 hrs) we were totally boosting the economy with our lavish eating habits )):

dinner at thai express and desserts at andersons :D

that was a lot of food that we ate. and we got jean a crescent-coloured stripes shirt :D

so i was totally ripped off that day and now i am living on a daily budget of 2 bucks )):

dang.

my perception of style is totally swayed now. just as long it has that style, looks matter no more.

it just need to serve the purpose; to remind, to delude.

qiling: there's so much to share, so much to be honest with, so much to come to terms with. there's just so much things to do. so please, please, hold on.

i wanna cry out for help, for justification, for support.

but i've no say, no rights, no power.

i can't even find a voice of my own in it. all i do is to do my part and remain mute.

i just feel simply oppressed.

let go. let be.

i am like tom. i am living on a memory.

if i could be like tennesse williams, i would write a play of myself too

he searches for his key and just when he found it, it slipped off his hands.

etude in 2 days' time.

the air of liberalism is finally drawing near. finally.

i am living on random harbours and passing ships. just any glance will satisfy me.

hello people :D
i am back!

TOMORROW'S MY LAST PAPER!!! :D
3 hrs of savage, lenina, georgie, linda and tom

brazil was boo-ed by their own fans. that's like so disheartening. i guess what they need not are not all these dissings and insults but real genuine national support. but yea, the fall is too much to bear.
if singapore were to even get into quarter finals, the entire nation will be OVER THE MOON.

went over to mad's place for steamboat on sat :D rojak madness ((:

during the entire steamboat, i was desperately trying to squeeze in time to read my brave new world and cos' i didnt help to prepare the food earlier on, i had to wash an uber oily pot )):

anw, our steamboat dinner only cost $3!!!

eunice and zhao then stayed over at mad's place to watch world cup! :D

had farewell lunch at church on sunday for sarah and rebecca. both of them are leaving s'pore to study. sarah's leaving for 2 yrs and rebecca for a semester. will miss sitting beside sarah and her nudging me to wake lydia up!

qiling's in love with sam. pls tell me i didnt influence her! i've been freeloading at qiling's place but still a long way to catch up with jaslyn, the PR of qiling's place :D

jaslyn's friends all love toufu man! whahahaha.

we all love mr toufu! :D

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

there are 8! ways to get a strangers number (assuming his number starts with 9) and if you've 1000 free msg a month, it will take you 33 years to send the 8! ways and by then, i will be already 51 years old if i start trying now.

"I the unkind, the ungrateful? Ah my dear,

I cannot look on thee.

Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,

Who made the eyes but I?"