i officially HATE tuesdays.
the last tuesday and today are both gloomy days.
the rain raineth all over the island.
the sun shineth no more.
the clouds covereth all skies.
the wind bloweth till our hairs stand on its ends.
my mood dampeth like the rain falleth.
sigh.

i hate tuesday )):

pastor cheah left us today )):
everytime bakwei sends me a msg, my heart skipped a beat.
i'm so afraid that it'll be a bad news.
but yet, now that he's up in heaven with our Almighty Father,
it's also a moment to rejoice.
For the Lord our God is always good.

tho' at times, my sinful heart will doubt my faith.
question myself the existence of Him,
question His purpose and plan.
sigh
what a deceitful heart )):

i prayeth i can put the past back.
'to bury it in a grave as deep and as dark as Alberta's grave'
[frm dark seed by V.C Andrews]
i must learn to stand on my own again
to close my heart to emotions.
to learn not to be reliant on one so easily
i am making little improvements,
frequently coming back to the same spot again and again.
)):
i can't hold my dignity. i can't hold my pride.
so much that have been given up, and so much i have give in
till nothing is left but my Lord
and perhaps a stronger faith.

honey star's new cage
-beams-
my sis, bro and I worked hard for it.

i am happy today cause i saw a crescentian! ((:

i was depressed last night. the night before
and since forever.
i have completely no idea when on earth
did i fully submit myself to agony and pain
i am so not going to surrender to this depression state.
but... but...
but i think it's failing me. perhaps, i am failing it.

i am so lost.
i am so confused, so immatured.
in fact, i think i'm melting into nothing now.
i was living in the past.
ystd, today and forever and ever.

if only. if only.
time will turn back.
i think i would have been better off.
turn till like 5-6 mths back.
life was still good.

went for band today.
and i just simply moodswing-ed like no one's business.
i looked all over me. musicians from all schools.
here am i, the one who was pursuing the crescent dream
and there are they. looking for their new worlds now.
i was so affected, these are the people who
ain't those who pursue the crescent dream with me. they
ain't those who share a common vision with me
ain't those who are willing to stand by me. be my friend.
so i just burst up crying.
or maybe weeping.
[annie can't cry so openly, it must be done in discreet]

i am so gng to have an emtional breakdown
if i am gng to moodswing at this rate.

HAHA.
this is hilarious.

sigh.

`put on a mask, when school starts again
[sing to the tune of 'wake me up when september ends']


perhaps,
we are not meant to be.

tags:

[junying] yah lor! keep seeing u around now! i am trying to make my presence obvious to u! WHAHAHA!

[cheryl] ilovecheryl too. school'll be fine. at least try to deceive urself.

[huili] thanks babe! we will be strong and faithful ((:

[passerby] my shit life is like the course of my own actions. indeed, friends are always there for me. but they are not the solutions to my problems. yah, u must take care too. life is too good to be wasted. dont be like me.

[deb] weilian is ok lah. dunearn is cool ((:

[karwei/youzhi] thanks lots for ur concern.

[sharon] HIEEEE!



i felt that i had stabbed myself a thousand times today
to think back and indulge in illusions.
stuff that ain't true at all.
i am so so fantasizing.
sigh.

i am moodswinging.
i found out that reality has dawned upon me.
we ain't the same.
but we are still the best friends ever.

sigh.

this world sucks.

but God is good.

no words can describe what i am feeling now.

no words are best.
no words are apt.
no words.
no words at all.

And the LORD said unto Satan, "Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and shuns evil? And still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause (although you incited Me against him, to destroy him without cause.)"

And Satan answered the Lord, and said, "Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life. But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse thee to thy face."

And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, he is in thine hand; but save his life.
Job 2:3-5



`Lord never move without purpose or plan.

we will be strong. with faith and glory.

reply tags again

[passerby] i think i will know u. i think i do. why are u lost too? yah trust in the Lord. He will provide for u! ((:

[huili] HAHA! yah lor. i hope that what i wish will come true. i dunno, tho it's a very selfish reason. sigh.

[chock] miss u girl! i really cried last night. i didn't realised i will miss u guys so much! love u two!

[deb] i am so sad. i dun wanna watch the superstar show anymore )):

[yanru] haha. i got no more free food le. no money le. hahaha, must depend on my parents le )): i am so broke.

[junying] HAHA! the video clip rawks right. tho' we are updated, it's still fun to watch the video clip! ((:

[amy] HIHI! i miss u so much. miss that one too.


seriously, i got no reasons to be happy. life has been life a lament to me. life hasn't been as bad as now. i am so like... ...
whatever.
i can't exactly pinpoint what exactly am i feeling.

ok. my mood just changed.
HAHA!

sigh.

i don't know what's going on within me.
in my body. in my mind.

my lit skills are like failing me )):


always wanted to rest by the beach again
always wanted to feel the waves in my feet back in those days.
always wanted to busk in the sun with u guys again.
to always not to lose the childhood days.
`i still miss eyecandying in town with u guys.
and the few days away from the city. with just u two only.
while i gave my heart away.

okie.

i shall reply my tags here! ((:

[junying] HAHA! ur name is so like junyang's! AHAHAHA! yahhh! he's good. but i think i still prefer derrick. HMM! ahahaha! aiyeah. actually, not really crazy over them lah! anw, i saw u in school today!!! YAYEE!

[deb c] YAH! i know i heard from the sajc senior that he was frm sajc band also! nanhua band! ahaahah! i think i know all his history man!

[yanru] luckily u nv say what i have said for the first 3 mths! anyway, tmrw must come! go for the dinner! free dinner lehx!! AHHAAH! i bring biscuits for u tmrw! ((: so got free breakfast and free dinner!!! x) haha!

[jean] YAYEE! hug u back! ((: i also want to go out with u this week! to keep me sane! ((: i dont wanna be insane! NAIMA is so so hottttt! ((:

[chock] i dedicate my msn nick to u! ((: i love u too! so love u! ((: trio is still trio! i love u! ((:

and lastly to
[passerby] hello. yah. i think i have changed too. thanks for ur concern. i am also very upset. do i know u? i bet i do. talk to me then. change me. i dont like myself now )):

sigh.


watching superstar now.
just got another hot gossip!

chanel+sugianto
i saw them crossing their hands while watching superstar.
crossing their hands on national tv! theyy let go when chanel realised they were being filmed [my bro can mouth read]
my bro got more hot news man. chanel drives a merc. then her bro got another one. mum another one and her dad another one. so they got like 5 mercs! so rich!!! hahaha!
i told my bro that i wanna marry her! [just kidding! i am super straight]

aiyeah. i feel like a bimbo and busy gossiping away. i shall just read my book!
((:

OH! had electric guit lesson today. i wanna buy a guitar! )):
and i met HUILI on the bus! YIPEE! hi huili! ((:

the people are super fake lah!

they bitched about others non-stop behind their backs, but in front of them, they are their BESTEST friends. those that are actually concerned about them.

what a dramatic irony.

maybe 'others' and 'their' is an over generalised term
i should just use 'her' and 'she'.

u are really quite failure lah.
i should give u my sympathy instead.
[i feel like a total bitch. sigh]

actually, i really still love playing; my french horn ((:
my first band prac after so long ((:
i am not happy cos' i went for band, but cos' i get to play my dear horn. ((:

anw! i just watched superstar! JUNYANG! he's gng to be the superstar man!
i like him! ((:

he+candyce )):

HAHAHA!
[ok this is damn random lah!! but quite fun ((:]

HAHA! i took picture with xinlin today ((: in the lib.
crescent pple versus anderson pple ((:
i LOVE making lame jokes and cracking pple up.
not rolling my eyes. )):

sigh.

another random stuff;
my first 3 mth's eye candy is so NOT eye candy anymore.
sobbbb!
''he's experiencing puberty, his face is gettin' so wrong'
[adapted from gin, edited by me!]

this is my new virtual eyecandy! ((:

honestly, she was the one who made me wanna cut my hair! ((:
she's FREAKING HOTTTT! -drools-

i feel like a complete asshole. i just read some of my old post.

read it man...
"nj is definitely not that dead!in fact, it's quite fun! ((:
my og+ogls are super duper LAME!my family [luciano] is EVER lamer!
but it actually made orientation more interesting"
06012005

"me and ginnyWIFEY have come up with a fabulous plan.
to inject life to the DEAD nj!
we will write letters and send to each other's class
and bring pie pie and rie kie for recess
and start a happy house trend! WHAHAHA!"
21122004

"and nj has been real fun.
except the part when we were flooded with
difficult maths questions and econs/chem tutorials and lectures."
12012005

HAHA!
i feel like a complete shitass. i regretted for saying all these.
i regret so many things i have done/ things i did.

WHAT AN ASS! )):

i can just rant on and on without blinking. seriously.

look what we did today.



survey. stare hard at the last 2 questions.
"Q57. I enjoy being in this college.
Q58. I am proud to be an NJCian"

This is such a joke of the day.
who were be the insane one to shade
'A : STONGLY AGREE.'
these surveys are like the dumbest thing on earth.
jaslyn added that the sch might send her for counsellin after lookin' at her response.
I think they will kick me out of school lah.

something on a lighter note:


sy's bday at seoul garden! ((:


i'm officially addicted to blogging AGAIN

i'm failin' again
sigh.
i am so. disheartened.

BLAH.

HERE I AM TO BLOGGGG!

the past few days have been SUPER funnnnnn!
fun with a capital 'F'!
(excluding lessons on friday)

friday
went to watch charlie and the choc factory
then met jean, hc and sher at holland v to buy ginBABE's pressie,
supposedly a guinea pig.
butttt,
in the end, we got none for ginny but a bunny for hc.
that dumb bunny is call MILO.
whataname. that jeanyamei lahhhhhh!
but actually milo is quite cute and i change my hamster's name to honey star! ((:
went to nnyl's (sher) hse to find a house for milo. we stopped by this playgrnd lah. both nnyl were so deprived frm fun after entering jc, so we challenged each other to swings. that swing was like so slippery LAH! so i swung and slipped off!!!!!!!!
wth.
anw. was at nnyl's place and that dumb milo pee-ed on my hand.
....
it was already super late at night.
and yah, we smuggled milo into crystal jade and lots of aunties and uncles stopped to stare at milo. BLAH.

Saturday
pon-ed band ((((((((((:
megawatt smile man!
met hc, jean and sher [not the 3 of them again] in town for breakfast!! hc ate like 2 cows lah!
headed off to ecp and cycled for like 3hrs.
we cycled from like the whole stretch of ecp
like this long
<----------------------------------------------------------------->to the power of 100
WHAHAHA!

parkway parade-d after cycling for aeons. and guess what
WE SAW DERRICK!!!!! the derrick that was kicked out!
DERRICK!
and i was so prideful, i refused to take a second look at him. not so nice to give all these 'celebrities' they crave for.
but i realised i was so dumb! he's SO cute on the tv. but he was also unglam-ly dressed. what blue OP shirt. so i was busily looking for all the blue shirts pple and that dumb hc kept pointing to those balding men or big-bellied men who were wearin' blue
PUNCH HER FACE!

air hockey-ed. me, jean won hc and sher ((:
we took this super long bus ride back to the west. and we were like differentiating the westerners and the east siders. HAHA
and guess what, how do u pronounce lingerie?
ask hc man. too much good influence in np.

walked a thousand miles to hc's place while she tried to keep her pee in. HAHAHA! saw 'that piece of shit' [jess. hc's dog] and that milo who tried to hide in hc's toilet. -faints-
hc's hse is like a mini, messy market place cum farm.
[note e alliteration- lit is gettin all over me]
me and jean totally pigged out lah!

BATHED JESS! she's a piece of shitass manz! SUPER SMART!
she hogged jean cause she's the queen of the dog biscuits. RAHHH!
aiyeah. i hate the way she whimpers. so poor thing )):

walked another thousand miles for dinner.
HC THE PORKY who finished the WHOLE PLATE of sweet and sour pork!
-oink
and jean told me abt sher's BURPPPP! highly hilarious! ((:

so we walked the thousand miles back. stopping for icecream and mentos.
it was in the wee hours of the night,
we crept,
we paused,
we stopped by the pile of discarded wood planks,
we bent
...
and found a piece of ideal wood to make a cage for honeystar n a hse for milo! ((:

so we saw-ed,
while he stood there. whistling away
like a supervisor overlooking his workers.
we worked our asses out but fail to cut the wooden planks.
He stood up. tall and mighty.
his shadow dawned upon us.
and he raised his hand and said,
"goodnight, jiejie'

HAHA! it was hc's bro! he's so funny lah! ((:
so it was like freaking late already so yamei and i went homeeee!
super long day lah! i was kept busy for like don't know what reasons also!


today, i left church after service. and came home after lunch-ing with lyd!
gossiping with lyd was freaking fun hORxZzzx. i lUb lYdIA lEhZzzz! ((:

decided to bath honey star. so i changed her cage and stuff. i bet it was the first time she's having her bath, so she was like ULTRA nervous.
she struggled and fell into the bowl of water. i thought i nearly killed her lah.
die of nervous breakdown!!!
i almost died of that too lah! of guilt frm killin my honey star too!
pphew! so i decided to stay at home and look after her
)): no town-ing with sis and mum

"i am a good girl"
-quote frm timo ((:

happy weekend! ((:
my weekly dosage of crescentians keeps my sanity ((:

i heard some hot news too
i am happy. but ...
a little deceived?
don't know. mixed emotions.




'will i ever hear that sweet hello, that's meant for only me?' -oliver twist musical
that safety net. that all-in-one friend

i am here to add on abt hc's ipod mini
it's SUPER USEFUL!
it's actually a handphone in disguise.
u can call without a keypad and listen to music with an earphones! cool right.
((:

HAPPY NATIONAL DAYY ((:
national day was quite fun this year ((: i was out at the jurong east painting faces for little kids. and that national day 2005 icon was what i have been drawing the whole day longggg!!
was quite fulfilling lah. facing kids rather than fellow njc-ians.

this was a little conversation between me and a little boy
me: what do u want to draw? your face or your hands?
boy: do you know how to draw spiderman?
me: i don't know. you draw for me lah! ((:
boy: i also don't know.
me: i draw buttiefly k!
okie then both nods heads.

DRAW SPIDYMAN? i can't even draw a proper decent man except a stick man! WHAHAHA! quite funny. cause he was the only kid that demand me to draw smth un-national day except this girl who asked for a flower.

oh. and i saw taypinhui at JTC. he was wearin smth so unglam. tshirt and berms' length shorts. so un-him. so un-man! but he still look good lah. ((:
anddd
i saw sly. and his wink.
YUCKS.
there was this instance when we both looked at each other, then i rolled my eyes at him. i guessed he saw it, he was a little shocked. just a LITTLE. but it was quite roll eyes cause a few girls who were volunteering with me were like "SLY! i want his signature!" -faints then for the next 15 mins they were like taking pictures and asking him for signatures. that was like the joke of the day. but i like staring at him ((:
-grins ((:

LALALA! i am a volunteer! (:

actually i hate being myself now. i miss being the bubbly girl. seriously. i miss everything. i hate rolling my eyes and always having that nonchalent attitude. it's quite sucky.
)):

but i realised i can't.
can't do much more.
the sight of nj turns me off.



`sometimes i think i am numbed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHUYI!

i hate seoul garden. i ate so much that i think i have eaten a dozen of cows.
MOOOOOO!
i love rojak. i really do.
i cross my heart and swear.
when crescentians gather, we behave like a hoard of elephants or whatever.
we behaved as if no one cares, we acted as if no one bothers.
we are who we are. always so.
crescentians ((: nice term to summarise all of us ((:

YAYEE-ISM! ((:

i wanna be 16 forever. to be always in crescent.
i rather take olevels all my life and nv go nj.
RAHHHHHH!

but seriously,
today is fun. don't wanna let today ends.
but ya, shall wait till my bday
and rojak's celebration AGAIN ((:
i sound SOOOOOO deprived. from fun

anw! i'm so tired now. BUT i must blog. before all happiness is gone. and soon thurs will be here and i will be back in that dreading school. how i wish everything better will come.
tell me what u said ain't true.
HAHA! nvm. living in my own virtual world just now. i stared. and i'll be happy ((: but i saw smth that my heart nearly went into a thousand pieces. luckily it wasn't true. PHEWWWW

shall upload the pics we took today after shuzk upload it. only shuzk is still in love with her camera. all of us just simply dumped it at home lah. HAHA!
had fun taking pics! WOOHOO!

perhaps these simple things make me happier.

ciaos ((:

when you read every word i've written, hopefully you still rem that small little girl who never fails to attempt to cheer you up ((: all she wished is for you to be happy.
for this,
praise the Lord.

until the day i die - story of the year
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you die right now
You know that I'd die too
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "Remember when"
Just like we always do, just like we always do

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Yeah, I'd spill my heart
Yeah, I'd spill my heart for you

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
Until the day I die

YAYEE-ism!!! ((((:
i just finished a new book!

flowers in the attic by v.c. andrews
4 innocent children were locked in the attic by a selfish mum whose pursuit is wealth. after the husband's death, she brought the 4 children back to her sick and dying father's place. her father is ignorant of her 4 children and apparently her husband was her half-uncle and this was considered as incestuous in her parents' sight.
the 4 children were locked up in this room connected to the attic where they spent 3 full years inside, always hoping that one day, their mum whom they adored and loved will give them freedom.
but God knows, her mum was actually plotting to kill them by poisoning their dognuts, cause her dad's will was to forfeit all wealth if she was found with kids that are of her first husband. in the meantime, she always portray a good mum's image in front of the children, convincing them that she was still that goody mum who wants to let them have freedom.
till one day, reality dawned upon them. the mum wasn't even concerned a wee bit abt them. and by that time, the little brother is already dead. they fleed and finally received freedom.

perhaps,
i mean perhaps,
hope is deceiving afterall.
should i still remain hopeful?
will i be let down just like the kids were?
am i being ficticious? am i being unrealistic?
whateverr.
i can't think anymore.
i can't stand a thought of sadness anymore.

this book is such a tragedy. my heart aches to see how the kids yearn for freedom, how they have to assume the roles as adults at such young age to defend themselves.
and honestly, i cried )):
i was pretty preoccupied with this book. it haunts me a little. i dreamt of it when i was having a nap. and it's rather frightening when i put myself in the little girl's position. BLAH.
i am so easily affected.
RAH!

anw.
i was super pissed off by this girl today.
RAH!!
if i could, i would.
u better don't get on my nerves.
or u will have no peace.
what i say, i will do.


`in solitude u will wither away like a rose in a winter drought
clarence.
but i replied.
`in solitude, i will bloom like a flower in spring

HAHA!
two contrasting ideas.
BLAHHHHH!

i am going to divert all my energy into guitar and studies.
WHAHAHA!
studies.
((:

i feel guilty.
i have been gambling to earn my lunch money.
playin partner daidee )):
but i won 75cents today.
HOW INTERESTING!!

i was major moodswinging.
sigh.
it's like a daily routine.
i wanna whine!!!! but it SO do esn't fit my image now.
)):
i wanna behave like a little kid )):

everything is super screwed now
)):



"some nights i just feel that they are forgotten dreams...
other nights i hear u breathing, right beside me."
110505

i feel so depressed now
)):

i don't want forgotten dreams and empt-y[ied] promises
)):
I DON'T WANT
-yells


This is what i call nice bandits ((:

rojak steamboat lunch! ((:


rj's concert! ((: rojak with joanne and grace ((((:

crescent girls' school symphonic band
-the best is yet to be

i need a new world.
grayworld

no more candyworld.
no more fantasyworld.
i need reality checks.

i rem blogging abt the bottomless pit.
i rem how i used to be so expressive.
this time,
i am different.

i really can't put what i am feelin inside me into words.
i dont even really understand how i really feel.

sometimes i don't believe i can move on so quickly.
i am pushing myself. to a future which i can't grapse.
sometimes i can't really be bothered
i am behaving ignorantly. it's because i dont wanna be affected by stuff

i don't rem myself behaving like this before.
i don't rem myself in this kind of situation and environment before.

this time,
everything is real. everything is settled.
confirmed.
life is nv the same as before.

-------------------------------------------------------------

i am blogging so much now. as compared to the past few mths in nj. cause now, i am so can't be bothered that i become quite free.
HAHA.
what a thing to be proud of.
BLAHHHHH!

anw!
I JUST BLOGGEDDDDD!

)): cant see my face!


my new hair. in the boyish way!


library @ orchard. were mugging for 'o's! so mugging WHAT!

all these are the new nienie family. where is peihan-nie and joannie??
sigh.
miss them like crrrrazzzyyyyyyyy )):
nienie rawks! indeed we do ((:

due to good cedarians values [internal joke]


`onward with zeal and zest,
may crescent remains in our hearts'

had my first guitar lesson.
i tell u,
it's really difficult )):
my teacher has freaking funky hair. like a mess of hair. literally like a rocker. the teacher in the school of rock. like totally a replica. HAHAHA! ((:
FUNKAYYYYYYYYY!
i want an electric guitar!
and alvin allows me to join his band.
this is like HOW COOLLLLLLL!
i am gng to be IN A BAND! ((:
yayeeee-ism!