i feel like the biggest ass of all time.
and there's simply no justification why i am not one.
my heart and actions are finally in-sync.
but my heart is thumping so hard,
it's killing me. it's killing you.
but i just wanna get things right for once.

i admired my old self. i used to be able to take things as it comes;
take things seemingly lightly.

but here i am, an almost 18 young adult.
i am looking at myself; my past, my present and my future.
i am caught in a trap laid by myself.
there's just too much of me dwelling in the past, so little of me hoping for the future and a very reluctant self in the present.
is this the life i want? is it?

i never get as decisive as today. it's like i've made up my mind to change the situation.
and i did it.
is it the right move? i will never know except the fact that the situation is pretty much irreversible.
but i know, God will provide and His love is sufficient.

i will never stop mourning for my loss, cos' i pretty much can't.
the more you try to forget, the more it remains etched. vividly.

it's bs, when people say time heals, cos' it never does.

if i could not find happiness anymore, i will spend my eternal life with the students in jgs.
they are such happy pies :D
and serious, there ain't a moment you are not smiling.
you admired their courage, their ignorance, their capabilities, their strength and strangely their stubborness and of cos' the way they perceive life.
life and death are simply too complex for human beings.

perhaps, minimal intellect is good.
perhaps that's what spur huxley in writing the brave new world.
happiness is attain when no one has the liberty to think of self.
everyone belongs to everyone

pardon me if i don't make any sense.
when sense makes sense. sense is sensed.

i can't imagine myself saying this,
but i'll miss you.
i'll be your safety net

living mockery

the life i live is just an awfully tiny fraction of eternity.
but if God-willing, i wanna spend this even though insignificant time with you by my side.
i thank God for you, yesterday, today, tomorrow and everyday till i died.
and when i reached Heaven,
i'll thank God for making life such a blessed experience by putting you in my life.

and there she goes again.