there are so many things in life that you've have to do,
but what to do first and what to do last are the very important questions.

sometimes i asked myself by doing something and forsaking something else,
is it worth it? is it worth the sacrifice?

there was this time i have to choose the 30 hrs famine camp or the first dress etude rehearsal. i was quite caught in a dilemna because yanru and nat were both sick, so asking them to go for rehearsal was a little too much but to me, not going for the 30 hrs famine camp will be a wasted opportunity to expose myself to the "serving the community" world.
and obviously, i chose the former.

i admit i am selfish. i only care for myself. i do things just for the sake of me, annie.
but don't you reckon that those who choose the latter will do that because of their commitments and most importantly their passion for band.
and for me, serving the community is my passion.

during the debrief of the first day activities during the famine camp, a very brave girl stood up and criticised the entire famine camp programme. she said that the camp weren't doing anything concrete and feasible to help the people in poverty like raising funds actively rather than having simulation games or smth.

many people raised up to oppose her view and this was what one of them said,

"yeah, it's true that this may seem not as productive in helping them. many of us here have the luxury of a shelther over our head, air con in our rooms, nice comfy beds and when everyone finished the whole famine camp, we will return home with our parents cooing over our health, our hunger and everything. it's true that the camp will be pretty much useless but i am sure that at the end of the camp, there will be at least one who are willing to stand up and continue to make a difference in others' lives. just one, and our camp is not to a waste."

i think it was HOSEA, the very charming campmaster of habitat for humanity, who said it.
(he's in charge of a project with my sis' workplace and i am so busy trying to matchmake them!)

and it's so true.
yes, i still enjoyed the air con, i still love eating more than i need, i still use tissue paper like no one's business during my morning sinus. nothing had changed after the famine camp, but i know, i really really really wanna serve. serve the community and i was very sure of my this career path since secondary school days, just that it was more of a talk than actions.

this is my passion.
and i believed there a whole lot out there who are like me! :D

a large part of the reason is because of my sis ((:

and today's a HAPPY HAPPY DAY ((:
me and jas went down to jgs though our cts are not over yet and it really made my day :D

so we mugged (or rather i tried to mug) at kap before cip and we ended up taking pics, chatting abt God and religion and the different churches, kids and of cos a little bnw and glass menagerie.

at kap:

the very cute boy who plays a blue balloon.

the very cute boy's very cute sister

jgs:

she's faharna. she's autistic. when you talked to her, she will not speak and when she thinks you are not looking, she will look up to see if u were still waiting for her reply. she was shunning away when she saw my camera.

jiabao. he's one of the most hyper kid. the cleverest actually. he's ADORES swimming! :D

winston who hates swimming

waiheng. he got the smoothest skin on earth. his skin was so smooth i thought i was holding on to a piece of silk and wearing socks for silk :D

jas' persona fave. fatihah :D

she shares a very close relationship with farharna. they could communicate very well in their own gibberish language that even ms jasmine did not understand. they were talking and laughing thruout the whole bus trip (their topic was on a tree)

was a very heartwarming scene ((:

my personal fave. hafyz.

he's simply adorable and hilarious. he used to shit and pee in his pants so often that he was left with NO extra shorts (his mum packed 2 pairs in his bag). he loves swimming too.

(in fact, all the kids love it except winston, though fatihah has a little phobia)

i love kids. i love them. but i hate those queer stares and looks when we walked past the NORMAL people at the swimming pool.

who's weirder? them or a sensible person who tempts their own fellow beings?

me and jas had a hearty dinner. fried oysters. charkwayteow. fish porridge. sugarcane

cos' it was super tiring yet very rewarding.

i am an asshole.

was looking back at some older entries and i realised sometimes i am so ambiguous in my writings that i've forgotten what was i actually referring to in the first place.

so many 'you's, so many 'them's and each instances referred to a different person. i could barely understand my state of mind in so many situations.
but that's not tha point, cos' i doubt i will make my life more explicit then what i am doing now. this is the world wide web and i am posing myself in a very dangerous position. every word that i typed, every insults that i hurled, every comments that i criticised are in great scrutiny of the entire universe (not as if my blog is that popular but just assuming.)

and i feel that a blog doesn't really depict a very accurate account of a person's attitude, behaviour but it definitely do show part of it, to a large extent actually (but not EVERYTHING)

having an exam with the lit class is the most hilarious. the class was still talking at 180 decibels when we already have our exam questions. and this is seen in EVERY lit exams. ever since the first common tests in j1 to promos to ct1 in yr 2 and NOW, it's still as noisy as ever and i think it's getting worse!

i am really glad that the arts fac shares such a great relationship. it's not as if everyone knows everyone but at least there's no animosity amongst all of us! :D [it's an absolute term]

d i o is highly irresponsible sometimes (maybe all the time). thruout the entire lit paper today, i didnt know what time shld i end and how much time do i have and have left. i was pretty much helpless when i tried to look at the classroom clock that was working in its own realm.

and poor qiling.
but we all love her so much so she's on her road to recovery ((:
just one night.

cip tom! :D
can't wait to see mr lee and the kids again!
they are the happiest bunch and he's the nicest man!
we are going waddling in the pool! ((:

[edited 27/6/06]

according to my mum, me and qiling are brokebacking.
WHAHAHA!

if she does witnessed how i snap and hurl insults at her incessantly, she would definitely think otherwise.

but that's not the point. we met early in the morning to have breakfast at coffee bean and also to squeeze some econs theories and policies into an already very puny brain.

after a hearty breakfast with free tea refills, we got tired of our econs notes and started wandering (no! we ain't shopping!) about in westmall when our econs paper was just 2 hours away.

but one of the main highlight is an mini incident with a MALE security guard in a FEMALE toilet.

so this is how it goes:
i went to the toilet and discovered the most twit-tish vandalism in the entire world and it was so hilarious that i was peeing and laughing simultaneously. so i went back to coffeebean to share the joy with qiling. so we lugged our cameras and trudged, no! i think we ran to the toilet and it was packed with some shatec students. we ignored their presence and rushed to the cubicle with the most agonising emotional imprints. we then went to other numerous cubicles and snapped down various pictures. suddenly, we saw a huge bulky shadow looming behind us and the aura was ominous.

the guy was bald and huge with a bulging stomach. he was wearing a uniform with the word "security" printed on it. his voice was threatening as he bellowed and grunted.

HIM: girls! what do you think you are doing? playing with cameras some more!

we were in state of euphoria but also in dismay and shock. we did not know what to do so we took our legs and ran out of the toilet.

definitely embarrassing but lotsa fun! :D

we should've ask him what he's doing in a FEMALE toilet. irks

so this is what we have taken in the toilet.

it reads: i need tym tuuh ferget yoos tt Haiis, i once lubbx euu shoo muchiie butt euu, Haiis. Dreams no cum true (and 3 chinese words)

translated: now that you are gone, i just need time to forget how i used to love you so much. dreams don't come true.

we felt quite mean cos' we could vaguely see that girls emotional turmoil when she wrote it but it's TOO MUCH! her language was way way off our league.

there's one vandalism that reads: Jesus saves. come to my temple. da po gong (a chi god) loves you. save us.

and yes! someone wrote, "i love sex"

there was a thousand 'rox', 'sux', 'call this no. for free sex' and 'xx lubbb yy'. it was a pretty hilarious sight.

when i was on bus 67 to qiling's hse, karwai looked at me with big wide eye, almost in exclaimed that i am not treading my way home since it's common test period. (a very instinctive reaction!)

my sis and i. and yes, i was an accident.

WARNING:

this records only a typical mugging session before an exam for the nj art fac students in a01. so parents out there, nj is still keeping the trend. don't worry.

i realised i don't really blogged about my church friends and stuff and part of the reason why is because so much have changed and my many church friends have become only lydia and lydia alone.

we started as trio at vbs.
and now we are only left with assorted pastors from various churches and only me and lyd.

i was talking to someone online the previous day and thoughts of changing church overwhelmed us. however, finding a church with the same doctrines, same worship, same fellowship (if there were one to start with) is seemingly difficult. furthermore, we are already so accustomed to the church and starting afresh in a new church maybe be very challenging for those who grew up in it.

i used to tell xinlin, "i will grow old with you in church and my kids will call you, "auntie chock""

how often are we so short-sighted in our vision?
how often are we too engrossed with the present and forget about the various hindrances that will occur in the future?
that's the reason why there are so many broken promises and forgotten dreams.

anyway, that's totally not the point.
the point is that i enjoyed church today.

pastor lau came back to the pulpit after a very long hiatsu. he seemed older and older as he stood at the pulpit. i can vaguely see his desperation and despair as he preached and as he acknowledged that fact that these are the few rare occassion that he's going to minister to his once beloved.

and no matter what's your situation, your calling is to serve God

so he preached abt praying for God's preserving mercy and truth.
his sermon was a stark contrast to that youth pastor who sang and played guitar during the famine camp.

anw, i talked to edward on the way to church. he's funny.
bali-ing and surfing. what an enjoyable life ((:

phebe and eunice are so very cute :D
i assumed that've enjoyed church camp a lot a lot :D

what i like about uncle kerming is that he can be very serious and also very laid back and sometimes, i really cant keep up with his sense of humour. his life is filled with many different experiences and most importantly, he was an ex njc-ian!

part of me wants to leave church but part of me wants to stay. it's like a dilemna.
it's not fair to say that fe didn't help me grow in Christ, cos' it really did. but everything changes and it changes so quickly that i am afraid, i am unstable, i am withdrawing and i finally realised how vulnerable the church and human life can be under satan's assult after pastor cheah's death.

i think his death has greatly struck the church, the lives of many churchmates and also mine.
maybe my faith is still too small to really see God's way, but i still believe for His way is best.

so many things to reminiscene, so many points that have been learnt and to learn
but on a serious note, i really miss having church as trio

i still rem there was this time when i dreamt that trio went to church together and when i woke up, i shed tears. that day in school, i went to find xinlin and tell her how much i miss her and i shed tears again.
at that moment when i woke up, it was like from heaven to hell.

anw, i really like taking pictures now, just in case i am dying soon.
did i tell you that i am having a very bad stomach since godknowswhen?

i am loving and craving for kfc recently under the influence of my dearest qilingbabe! :D
it's finger lickin' good




when it's time to let go, are you sure you are willing to go?
take me with you Lord.

if i were the HOD of english, i will sacked d i o for causing so much disruption to my life.
are we supposed to study 4 chapters of marner on our own?

i am giving up.
i just wanna tear up all my notes and throw it against the wall and fly to africa and starve to death. (i won't die so fast cos' i've survived a 30hrs famine camp)

the most bizarre idea flashed through my mind just now on my way home.
i saw 2 little girls walking far behind from their dad and i actually wanted to kidnap them and bring them to another country with me (though we will most likely end up as child labourers)

please kill me. i actually thought of kidnapping?!?!!!?

other than that, i am still quite a sad girl.
and i want my mummy.

jeanpok is my happypot.

and me and qiling really have some love hate relationship!

please note that qiling's shirt is size s. argh. whatever.

some really random pictures

i love this pic.

when the whole world moves along and passes, i wanna be clear and focused.

unchanged by time.

i am afraid of sleeping tonight.

a pillow of already-dried tears.

afternoon naps are taking my precious bedtime away.
it's already 2am and i am still awake as an eagle! ((:

anw, my hands were rather itchy so i started snapping pictures
and got ms acer a customised laptop bag!

this what i've got for the entire sleepless night:

the full-length image of my guitar bag! :D

some random shots of my wall

okie this is what i've got on my wall before my study table. it's a really random wall. i just stick whatever thing that comes to my mind.

that yellow piece of paper wrote, "no one dies a virgin cos' life screws us all -hc-"

and this is the "pibroch" poster that i drew a long long time ago when i was really interested in graffiti fonts. HAHAHA! reminds me of my dysfunctional A01 class band! ((:

PIBROCK!

jean asked me to learn maroon 5's songs and dirty little secret so we can go jamming! HAHA! jamming? must be some superband craze! :D

i got 58 for my maths quiz today!

and according to mr song,

if i could pass today's quiz, i would be able to pass my common tests!

3 cheers!

someone, please, please kill me!

arghhh!

guan you is trying to be corny. "i like cats. they taste like chickens"

it's 2.40am, do you think everyone's sleeping?

i've got an artistic friend too!

it's called,

"when slit meets havoc"

my sis wants to join me for volunteer work in cambodia! (yes! we've decided on cambodia!)

visit this! (click here!)

but my sis is not so comfy with overseas organisation. she doesn't want me to be sent there and used as CHILD LABOUR! (do i look like a child? *^$%^*!^#)

alright. i am tired already.

i am meeting qiling tmrw morning to mug (IN TOWN!)

what a fabulous place! i'll totally mug WHAT!

ciaos.

add. minus. multiply. division. me

((:

observation of today!

chinese families gather at macs for dinner. malays go kfc.

me and qiling are mugging as if we were still in the first week of holidays )):

and mugging time only takes up 20% of the time we spent the entire day. however, the blue sky day cheered me up and i immediately pushed the awful thoughts of commen tests to the back.
please proceed to qiling's blog (click here!) to witness our horrendous mugging lifestyle.

watching channel u's "my special journey" made me so ashamed of myself.
the show wrote:
"even in the world without sound, if you used your heart and listen,
you will hear a more melodious and touching song."

so true. how often do you pause for a moment and listen to others ?

humans are selfish.
we are only concerned about ourselves and if we have the energy, we will then try to spare some time for our closer friends.
but how often do we spare time for strangers? like giving up a seat to those in need? picking up a piece of paper for those who dropped it? opening the door for others? or even just smiling at a random stranger?

it's of no surprise (to me) that Singapore was ranked 30th out of 35 countries for the courtesy aspects of our people. and i won't even find it deserving if we managed to squeeze into the top 20 position cause i feel quite disgusted of the fellow singaporeans and even with myself.

i still remembered when i was in sec 3 i shared my umbrella with a stranger. it was kinda weird.
i went up to her with my umbrella already sheltering her. at that moment, i assumed i was her greatest gift from God.

and who knows, i got to meet her 2 years later in candy empire.

her: hie. let me pay your bill.
me: hmph. why?
her: do you still stay in bukit batok? you sheltered me from the rain once. do you still rem?
i was trying desperately to recall and BLING! i remembered that fateful rainy day.
me: OHHHHHHH! but it's ok, i can pay for the sweets myself ((:

and before i whipped out my wallet, she already paid the bill for me. even though the sweets were merely two bucks, i can feel her great sense of gratitude. and i was feeling so proud of myself (THERE'S ACTUALLY SOMEONE WHO WAS TOUCHED BY MY ACTION!)
and tuh-duh! i got free sweets! :D

so it's good to be kind. you never know who will identify you down the streets 2 yrs later.
kindness begets kindness.

on a sidenote, i am happy now.
but the higher the expectations, the higher the disappointments.
and what's the point of gloating over something that ain't concerte and also see no point portraying myself as someone else whom i am not.

whatever you think you are,
may not be exactly who you are.

if only everyday were smiley days

do you still believe i am your shadow?

.let go. let be. let God

i just did the most bizarre thing in the entire universe.
and if i did get any response, virtual might become reality.

please knock some sense into me.
argh.

i always wondered, how can anyone like 2 person simultaneously?
is the person just testing the waters to see which one will respond to he/she faster or which one does he/she prefer more? however, through the process, it's always the one being left behind who will be suffering.

one can proclaimed how much he/she likes a person but on the other hand he/she is trying to get close to another person?
isn't this love (can it be even call love) so warped?

men's hearts are fickle. the human brains are fickle too.
qiling said guys forget promises easily and i agree with her too.

i think the improvements of general standard living of the world lead to the degradation of virtues.
how many times do we sacrifice principalities, beliefs, virtues for economic advancements?
perhaps once, perhaps twice or even maybe all the times.

i feel so ashamed. so guilty. so humiliated to be part of this human race.
where evil doers thrive and sin permeates through all acts and reasons.
even basic human instincts to love and like are being corrupted by superficiality and insincerity.

i am no philip larkin who at least believe "what will survive of us is love"
cos' i believe what will survive of the human race are power, fame, glory and wealth and these are also the reason why human race will eventually fall.

i am skeptical. i am disgusted. i am actually afraid.
i am fearful and wary.

anw, i did badly for my philip larkin's an arundel tomb )):
"almost instinct almost true
what will survive of us is love"
(so warped)

i thought i wouldn't care but now i am thinking why did you do that do me?

i shall tranverse old hurting domain never again.
good luck to the virtual domain

dang.

[edited 18/6/06]

i am back from the famine camp and there's so much, so much i wanna thank God for.

saturday
met qiling early in the morning for breakfast at bb macs. we were all geared up to fast for 30 hours. a few fellow campers were at the macs too. so we met ruthu too and waited for chiew yee. met pi to pass me the cam (all thanks to my 2 megapixels cam!)

registed and collected our tshirts and we saw fish! (jaslyn's friend!)

and then we took some random pics with our tags!

we had 2 hours for a hearty lunch, so we went all the way to plaza sing while most of the famin-ers were having lunch at macs in potong pasir!

so anyway, our famine camp started officially at 2pm and we were seperated into families.

this is my family:

we "worked" as bead pickers, bead sorters, crane folders, scavengers and "prostitutes" as our last resort. (all these are just some simulation game. During a real natural disaster, familes are seperated and even when they're reunited, their houses will be all gone and they will be living in poverty and hunger.)

during the entire simulation, i was very very disappointed and disgusted with myself. for the sake of the "family", we resorted to stealing other people's building materials, begging, scavenging, lying and cheating so as to be able to have sufficient "money" and building materials to build our make-shift "homes"

so anw, the camp "30 hours under no roof" was a literal name. we had no roof as shelters when we sleep. the guys slept on the track in the "homes" that we built and the girls (us!) slept in the parade square.

sleeping with the fellow refugees under the nightsky

sunday

woke up at 6 in the morning and had worship service by some charismatic pastor whom left me in a cultural shock. pastor singing and playing guitar? sermon without a concrete Bible verses extract? sermon with just personal experiences with nothing from the Bible itself?

we then set off to tampiness to collect newspapers! ((: was on the same bus as qiling! :D

i was partnered with suyu and jun chuan :D

we saw a lot of half-naked uncles, domestic dogs and cats :D, an auntie who offered us drinks, parents with little kids, many families cooking lunch which were uber tempting!

and i saw this reallyreally cute malay guy (my eyecandy for 1min!)

the worst part during the camp was having nothing to do. when we have nothing to do, the hunger pangs kept haunting us. it's only when we are packed with activities (though it's hard work!), we are able to forget hunger momentarily.

famine camp concert was funny. the 5-piece band was moderate. the breakdancers were FABULOUS and ronin (another gig band) was super high! but ronan was really blunt with his words )): oh! joi chua and eunice olsen are the world vision ambassadors.

ronin and his band.

anw, we broke fast at 8pm! FINALLY! it's 30 hours!

FOODDDDDDDDDD! ((:

had dinner with my "family" instead of the A01-ians.

and so the 30 hours Under No Roof Famine camp ended with a blast and a stomachache )):

my stomach was repulsive towards the burger, buns and cakes given and though i ate the entire Burger King burger after the camp, i ended up vomitting it out at home.

went home with chewy and i am so glad that another person is willing to give out herself to serve the community, to serve the less fortunate ((:

[edited 19/6/06]

after this camp i really really want to go overseas and teach, just like andy (my pri sch teacher). he went Kazakhstan to teach English and now he's in US training to be a minister. he's like one of the closest teacher i ever had and he really inspired me.

but the problem is going overseas and teach needs a lot a lot of money and i am planning to go there for at least 3 months before my uni starts (that's provided i get into an uni) and my mum said she's unable to sponsor me. )): so i have to work to earn enough money and i am still deciding where to go. cambodia? india? kazakhstan too?

common tests in 6 days time and i've barely completed my revision. i am going to be in really dead meat for this common test. i really detest mugging and really see no point in having all the qualifications and nonsenses.

i just wanna serve. just wanna run away to a place with a fresh start. just wanna go to a place where i can explore my own true nature, where i can really be myself.

on a sidenote,

i am REALLY REALLY PROUD OF MY FELLOW A01 FAMINERS! ((:

so proud of qiling especially. everyone knows qiling's horrendous diet and she was able to survive through the entire camp!

A01 faminers without guanyou

i believe everything that happens in my life are all planned and designed by God.

whoever i see, whatever i go through, however i lead my life,

and ultimately the reason of me going thru' everything is to draw myself closer to God.

oh the link to the other photos
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8QZN2jho0bsJM

ciaos. more muggings )):

dear Lord, show me some light please.

.to live is Christ, to die is gain.

I AM SUPER AMUSED BY QILING!
she's my all time favourite comedian! WHAHAHHAHAHA!

today wasn't a well-spent day, academic wise.
i did nothing except to read the examiners' comments for econs essays for CT1 and read my glass menargerie's chpt 1-3 on the train.

i've been rather arty farty for the past 2 days.
i went for bODY rEMIX/ gOLDBERG vARIATIONS by Compagnie Marie Chouinard (Canada)

it was a dance with dancers using ropes, horizontal bars, harnesses and prosthesis.
and the show was RA18! all the dancers were naked!!
and i saw one dancer whose hair was like nehema's (the mahawk hair!) and i LOVE HER LOTSA! and some cute guys! :D
check out the dance's website and other art's festival's programmes! (click here!)

it was an eye opener for me, definitely. those dance performances that i watched are those aristal kind but this one is so much more different.
the whole dance was so haunting!!
very well done ((:
oh, and i saw linda goon! she looks ultra feminine now (as compared to the past!)

i saw this online and i thought they look super cute! so vibrant, so youthful!
i still prefer their style for their first appearance!

sometimes i wonder whether fame, glory and attention will slowly disfuse your true identity?
answer me, people.
cos' i realised as their supporters increase, i realised they don't sound that sincere anymore
(can read from their blog) but i like them still! :D

PRETTY 18 YEAR-OLD FAINTS FROM HUNGER!

when her friend told her that she will appear on the news if she faint during the famine camp, she got all hyped up. she told me she want to faint and she needs to bring her make-up kit(wth!) and i told her to add her prom dress into her packing list! (whahaha!)
this is how funny qiling can be.

and she sent me this:

will be the pattern of all patience; i will say nothing. says:
that doesnt really mean i wouldnt consider him though
i will be the pattern of all patience; i will say nothing. says:
SOO CUTE LORRRR

-faints-

i will be the pattern of all patience; i will say nothing. says:
hahahahahah omg my SEC2 CRUSH IS GOING (for the famine camp)
i will be the pattern of all patience; i will say nothing. says:
-feeling full of hope-

-faints again-

my sis asked me to go all the way! and my mum was rather nonchalent to the whole idea that i am going to avoid food for 30hrs!
the last time i fasted was when pstr cheah was very sick and it was only for 12 hours.

alright
ALL THE WAY ANNIE! I KNOW SHE CAN DO IT!
people, do pray for me and qiling and other A01 faminers.
(actually, i am super excited. a stark contrast to qiling's paranoid and disturbed heart now)

needa pack my bag.
see ya guys in 2 days time! :D

3 subbers at choir concert! :D

"When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look:

You most likely turned your back on the world."