i am so weak.
i got all so emotional talking to a little girl who might not even understand the plight i am in.

i wanna turn back time.
to the time when i am still young.
when things were simpler then.

i wanna turn back time.
to learn to be a spiritual help to everyone, especially you.
perhaps things will be easier now.

sometimes i feel the peace within.
really.
but sometimes i really can't control the emotional struggles i have within.

i really wanna be a good testimony of Christ.
i wanna be holy.
but i am just a sinner.
sinful sinner.

perhaps somethings shouldn't have happen.

i am still trying and will always be happy.
big fat smile ((:

Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom?

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him
and said,"And you never will, but that's O.K."...

Later the little boy asked his father,
"Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say......
The little boy grew up and became a man,still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him,
he asked "God, why do women cry so easily?"

GOD answered......

"When I made woman,I decided she had to be special.
I made her shoulders, strong enough tocarry the weight of the world,
yet made her arms gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her the inner strength to endure child birth
and the rejection that many times will come even from her own children.

I gave her determination that allows her to keep going
and take care of her family and friends,
even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without complainin.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances.
Even when her child has hurt her badly.

She has the very special power tomake a child's boo-boo feel better
and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears.

I gave her strength to care for her husband,
despite faults and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,
but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed.
It is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakness.
When you see her cry, tell her how much you love her,
and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry,
you will have made her heart feel good.

She is special

i blogged this article a long long time ago. it never fails to let me feel how strong yet weak women are. i know in whatever situation we are in, God always give us the strength to endure it.

yah.
i shan't be too critical abt my life now.
i should just try to grow accustom to it.

agm today.
everyone seems so delighted to be in band.
so much that had been done. so much memories for them
i cant help but to feel guilty.
so much passion from everyone, from mr ho, esp.
he would regret appealing me into njcsb if he knows e state i am in.
)):
i dont wanna let him down actually.
but i feel
n o t h i n g
at all now.
not a tinge.

oh. i cut my hair.
and it's real short.
and my mum hates it.
i dont want her to be upset over it.
)):

i feel better.
much more better ((:
REALLY!

realised so many more pple care for me.
many think i'm suicidal lah.
just because i popped 4 panadols in one shot.
like no big deal right?
WHAHA!
i won't kill myself, or i will have to go hell.
i will wait for someone to kill me.
please come faster ((:

i want more christian friends!!!
really!!
during this period. my christian friends are really a source of comfort for me.
doin' simple things like tagging, sendin me msges askin whether i am fine.
and definitely being e usual trio who are always TFM [there for me] ((:
tho' things may be different with this christian friend, he is always so sound in givin' spiritual support ((:
with them,
i need no love guru-s, or psychologists
cause i have them.
and God.

non-christian friends are FABULOUS too!!
an avenue for rantings, without being judged.
and promises for always bein' there for me.
tho' it's hard for them to understand what i'm gng thru.
why am i inflicting pain on myself? or why am i havin such a strict life?
they are always willing to listen! ((:
and stop me frm bein' suicidal.

thanks lots. i have lotsa love to spare now ((:

sometimes i wished my heart is dead.
like it was in the past.




memories etched like a cut in the stone.
it's permanent. it's obvious.
will it really become all memories?
or perhaps,
perhaps one day,
it will become reality once again?

God, please show me Thy way.
for your way is best.
give me a soul that thirst for Thee.
Amen.

i wanna cut my hair!!!
REAL SHORT!!!

but i'm afriad that it wont look nice.
sigh.

had mc today ((:
i want MORE mcs!!
i dont want school!
i hate school!
RAHHHHHHHHH!

sounded so self-centered with all the 'i'
sigh.
anw.
great news: alvin leong is no longer my ct.
got a new ct.
don't really care actually.
at least nw, i've a common topic with alvin leong.
we are highly complain-ey.
abt the band.
HAHAHA! ((:

sigh.
i just wanna be in e j2's shoes
and sit for the 'A's
and LEAVE SCHOOL!
)):
i just can't stop whining on it.
sigh.
elaine says i am stupid.
like for obvious reason. nj is not good.
BLAh
but i rem someone told me that God dont put me in a situation which i cant overcome.
so yah.
must learn to trust in Him.
my only comfort ((:

i feel weird talking to this person now.
we used to be able to chat so well
share so much, everything under the sun.
but things are so different now.
it feels different to me now.
just because of what had happened a few months back.
all the memories are gone. uncle ringo funfair )):
sigh,
freaking memories.



Every Little Thing- Dishwalla

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change

I wish I could be everylittle thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be everylittle thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time

Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, everylittle thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

i know God loves me.
i am not alone,
cause He's there.
there for me. [TFM]
((:

i miss genuine smile.
i realised sometimes i can feel my smile harden.
i am getting mean and spiteful.
i am getting cynical and paranoid.
i am getting skeptical and uncertain.

i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong. i am strong.

i think i am REALLY strong.

this is my big fat smile -> ((:

not really sure what's with me recently

what's with me?

what's wrong with me?

sigh.
i am indulging in lonliness.



"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him. The LORD is their strength, and he is the saving strength of his anointed. "
Psalm 28:7-8

And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Rom 5:5

thank God for His love upon me.

As we open our hearts to love, as we attend to what is beautiful and necessary in our lives and the lives of those we love. We then begin to feel more intimately the tender sorrows that fill any human life. We become less defended, more awake to the inevitable sorrows of being alive. We begin to feel how love and hurt often arise together. People who love us are the same people who hurt us. When our heart opens in love, whatever is embedded in the heart will also spill out. The love that opens our heart will also open whatever sadness we have carried for a lifetime.

read this from a book in the library.
really touches my heart.
yah.
it's not like super cheesy kind of theories.
it's REALLY cool and nice! ((:

nienie outing ystd! ((:
nienie slpover on next fri! YAYEE!
cant wait to spend more time dng HAPPY things.
at least i will be happier ((:
but i am happier already. better.

crying sucks.
esp cryin alone.
and looking at a hamster and burst out crying.
sucks lah
crying 'xi1'

i love ted hughes now.
his 'pibroch' is super apt lah!
sigh.
he's as cynnical as me.
we share the same sentiments.
i hate being grey )):
but i will be happy.

facade crumbling.

sigh.
everyone's changing.

till the end of the day.
i am alone.

I AM SOOOOOOO PISSED

shant publicly announce why i am pissed.
but i am just simply pissed.
ARGH
leave us alone,
please.
what we need is spiritual support.
not spiritual judging.
thanks.

no mood to blog.
blog tml
or tml tml.
i am JUST PISSED

oh ya.
i was upset this afternoon.
thanks amy for ur shoulders.
i miss that sturdy one )):

things are much more better now ((:
to realise that what i've done is beauty in God's precious sight.
to honour Him
and He will honour and bless me.
something for me to be thankful of.
((:

things are so different now.
i mean school life.
"seems like your life becomes grey after wearin the grey uniform. wait till u reach j2, your face will even turn grey."
something quoted from benzie dio, my funky lit teacher ((:
it's not the exact words lah. but ya.
sigh.
wrong choices.
i don't know.
this life, is the toughest period of my life.
SERIOUSLY!
it's like. i really hate nj.
HATE.
with a CAPITAL 'H'!
sigh. i know i shld make my life more bearable. and i am dng that.
really.
so i still smile.
i still go sch.
i still attend band.
this is my wrong choice.
this is my life.

waiting for the rainbow after the storm ((:
still hopeful! ((:

loving someone is to see him being saved,
to receive salvation from Christ.

so no matter what,
i will learn to let go

so i can receive salvation too.

but i'll wait.

i have no idea what to do.
i have no idea what i'm searching of.
i have no idea what my life would be.

)):

i dont wanna go.
i don't want.

if i could,
i would have done it long time ago.

i always think girls like me are strong.
but now i think otherwise.
i am just as weak. maybe much more worse.
i am not strong enough to go thru all these alone.

dear Lord.
pls help me in my despair.
dear Lord.
save me from this harshness of reality.
Amen.

draw me closer to You, Lord, i pray.
this time.
i am really desperate.
seriously.
i have nothing more to lose )):

sinking in.
i would have,
if i could.
but i can't
so i shouldn't.
but can i?

POST CT
yay! it's finally post ct!!! ((:
i gonna flunk my maths terribly.
aiyeah.
only can blame myself.

anw,
post ct is gonna be fun.
i hope.

started off with coming late for band cause i went to collect my olevel cert!
revisiting my alma mater, CRESCENTTTTTTT is super fun!
i miss the healthy canteen food!! and teachers
and of course,
the environment!! ((:
CRESCENT IS DAMN HAPPENING LAH!
i will punch anyonne if they say crescent sucks, except crescentians.
cause crescentians never treasure what they have,
until they lose it.4
SERIOUSLY!
then rushed back for band )):
shan't describe on that.
so
after band was F U N!
i saw this ac guy, from nj for 1st 3 mths.
he was like on the way home lah!
so no life.
and before he left nj, he was sayin that i will be mugging my ass out in nj
and have no life!
HE THEN NO LIFE LAH!
WHAHAHA!
okie. super mean. i take back my words!
but HAHAHA!

town-ingggggg! ((:
the rojaks and the bitchings.
that's the fun part lah!
and BIGGG chunky earrings! ((:

i refused to go home,
so pool-ed with the guardian forcers.
they damn mean lah. said i treat them as spare tyres.
sigh )):
NO LAH!
my bestest brothers! ((:

anw,
LOVE rojak, forcers to the APPLE CORE!!! ((:
-muahhhhhhh! ((: