i had a lot of fun today. seriously.
until my expectations failed me.

it started off well with qilingbabe re-re-reillustrating her encounter with her oh-so-cute guy. patting her shoulders, wishing her all the best and telling her she's quite a good player. it was so funny ((: qiling really perked me up with all her energry within.

econs lect was fun too ((: qiling, dora and i were drawing like crazy on our econs notes with all the funny faces and curly hair and missing teeth and little boy-liked hairstyle.

i had lunch with the soccer girls and jas and i were playing with MY yupi gummy bears. we were reenacting scenes with the gummy bears. HAHAHA! and qiling pulled me off the bench but i landed gracefully on my butt and when qiling did it another time and the soccer girls tried to save me by pulling my the other arms. at that instance, i thought i was the rope in the tug-a-war game.

but all was fun.

until i finally decided to run for our class' 4x100m race. and dang.
i got myself into this demoralisation. IRKS!
i wasn't left with much of a choice, so i was FORCED to be the first runner and this totally sucks. my reaction time lag is like 3 secs more than any human being and i can't pick up speed when i start the race when i start from a stationary point.
and being such lousy sprinter and time lagger, i actually tripped on my own steps for the start of the race.
FABULOUS. we are going to be last.
but with God's grace and my team members' talents, we managed to get a 3rd placing and we missed by 0.32 seconds to get into the finals.
dang. obviously, it's my bloody fault.

and stop telling it's NOT my fault. cos' i know i didn't even put in my best at all. that was like a shit run. SHIT RUN. i didn't even feel any adrenaline rush before and after my race(which i normally do). i didn't even experienced an increase in heartbeat per min. (sprints make your heart beat faster.)
dang. i am so screwed.
i screwed up the entire race when they tried SO SO HARD to run so bloody fast.
argh.
i shouldn't even have agree to run.
and i disgraced myself before godknowswho.
and i let myself down.
and those who cheered me on. dang.

but thanks liyana for the shirt. i was a canoeist for 45mins. WHAHAHA

furthermore, i screwed up my college day rehearsal.
i didnt even have a proper warm up and i've the audicity to play on stage.
whatever lah

i am finally convinced that i lead a screwed up life.

during gp the other day, we were discussing about lying.
is lying for a noble cause still something intolerable?
lying to a friend that her dress sense is good so she won't be upset,
lying to a friend that results doesn't matter for at least she tried her best
and lying to a friend that she didn't cause her whole team to come in 3rd cos' she is utterly incompetent.
is lying then still bad?
or is lying good for the sake of other people's happiness?

but i just feel that it's completely useless to convince me that it wasn't my fault, cos' i feel the guilt in my bones, i feel it within me. it flows through my every vein and slowly sucking me up.
the only justification for my act is that i haven't sprint for ages and i didn't even have time to train.
i aint got any talent, rem? i need to train.

argh.
and at that point of time, i needed someone to tell me it's ok. i can try harder. someone who will just let me wallow in self-pity.
but not people who tell me that i was good enough, i've already did very well or it wasn't my fault at all.
it really doesn't make me feel better.
but i really really appreciated all their effort, but these wasn't what i want.
i am angsty. i love wallowing in self-pity.

i finally understood how it feel to fall below personal expectations.
and i am really sorry to that someone that i've been very critical to.
and i really wanna tell that someone what happened at that instance,
cos' i thought that someone might be able to understand and we can just wallow in self-pity together.
but that someone is nowhere to be seen.

terence just msg-ed me. and i reckon it's all my bloody fault.
BLOODY BLOODY FAULT!!!
and i will be the one who will die when i walked into class.
sorry a01 )):

"to you it might be art, music, dance, writing. i love those as well, no doubt.
but to me, its running thats special"
ripped this from someone's blog and i realised there's no particular thing that i really really enjoy doing that i will even sacrifice my life for it.
running for trackers.
stunts for bikers and skaters.
solos for electric players, musicians.
dance for dancers
writing for novelists, poets and playwrights.
mugging for studious students.
and nothing for me.
electric guit to me is a skill, so is french horn. skateboarding was mainly for entertainment and running leisurely is for interest and destressing.
there's nothing special in my life that really really appeals to me
maybe Christ that i'll die for.

but it's easy for me to give up my life for Christ cos' i pretty much doesn't have any commitments in anything.

my life is really screwed. i don't even excel in any single shit.
not even in my studies,
and spiritual life too.



so much more.
so much more inside.