everything's flooding me. my thoughts can't seem to cease, but none are coherent to me.
irks.

i love crescent.
i really do and i can't, i can't stop harping on it.
hc said i've changed. and i am sorry i didnt change to be a better person.
i told her, everyone changed and it has been such a long time since you last saw me.
then she said, "no. jasmine didn't change. i don't think i've changed too."
and it struck me, i really did changed for the bad.
i am glad, cos' only good friends feel sad when you changed for the worse.

everything's failing me.
my body, my brains, my studies, my interests, my passion and my everything.

i used to be able to say i love band, i love crescent, i love my friends.
but now, the utterence of these words are rare, almost completely off my life.
"my band life ended when i graduated from crescent band."

i am looking back and admiring how i survived the past 1 1/2 yrs of njc.

i went back for band today and a few uttered "hie, annie are you feeling better?"
and when i whipped up my watson tissue paper and blew my nose really hard before someone asked, "annie, are you sick?"
(obviously, that person didn't realised i was absent from band camp)
this is how significant i am in band. just like a pea. a small fish in the South China Sea.
and there are people in band that i've barely spoken more than 5 short sentences.
like "excuse me", "can you help me hold this for a second?" or even shorter sentences like "thanks"
replies of basic courtesy are simply the vocabs and language that i used to talk to band people.

i hate having this feeling that i don't belong. i hate the feeling that i'm alienated.
nj is a cold society. no one bothers. no one's supportive. no one's truly appreciative.
i wondered how many of them do cip because they really really want to help or simply just for the sake of getting the hours.
what's the point?

these people made me skeptical about the world i am going to face ahead.

i would rather someone take up a crowbar and battered out my brains.

like ginny said, "just remember me in that yellow and peacock blue but not of grey."
and if one day i am dead, i wouldn't expect any grey alphas at my funeral maybe just a few of my A01.
at least, at that point of time, i'll be with God.
these worldy things wouldn't make my life so miserable anymore.

irk.
hurhur
irks

haha. ginny is cracking me uppp



"I'm falling into memories
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share"